LAUGH: Matt's Theories

This is another in my series poking loving fun at the paranormal-reality shows. This time, the focus is my favorite show, “Finding Bigfoot” and most especially the team leader, Matt Moneymaker who, well, gives me a lot of material to work with and his nemesis, Ranae (the skeptic).

In the dark forest, Matt and Ranae are teamed on a hillside, sitting it out for the night.

Ranae: (comes to a stop) Look, it's a dead deer.

Matt: Don't move! There's a squatch around here. (searching around them in the dark forest) This kill is new. Squatches kill deer for food.

Ranae: But, Matt, this deer hasn't been touched.

Matt: (snarls) It would have eaten it, but we scared him away.

Ranae: This thing has rigor mortis. It died long ago. It doesn't have any cuts or bleeding. It might have fallen off that rock ledge up there and broken its neck.

Matt: I'm telling you, it's part of a master plan by the squatch. (points a finger in the air) He kills a deer and leaves it here as a snack for later on. It's like we're standing in a pantry for the squatch. (coyote howls and he startles and steps back).

Ranae: (sighs) Coyote.

Matt: No! Shh! (listens) That's a squatch! Don't let him fool you. He sounds like a coyote to confuse the humans.

Ranae: Why would a squatch do that? How would his own kind know it's him?

Matt: (chuckles knowingly) See, that is exactly what he wants you to assume. He has his own language in Coyote talk.

Ranae: (rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, shaking her head) There's a school for that?

Matt: Don't ever underestimate squatches. See these trees around us?

Ranae: Yeah.

Matt: Squatches can impersonate them!

Ranae: Trees? Really?

Matt: (points to a row of trees) He could be any one of those. They stay real still and you think they're a tree. They're watching us, I tell you. They're all around us. (backs up into a tree and whimpers and jumps away from it)

Ranae (giggles) Yeah, I think that maple over there has its eyes on you.

Matt: (grabs her hand) Don't point at them! When they know that we know that they're there, they will use their minds to mesmerize us and make us forget the encounter.

Ranae: (twitching smile) Like those boys in Men in Black with their little light pen?

Matt: Where do you think that movie got that idea, hmm? (raises his eyebrow) Much of the things we consider fiction on TV are facts that Bigfoot is hiding from us by making it look fictionalized.

Ranae: Wait, so you're saying Bigfoot is controlling my TV viewing? I wish I knew that because those Real Housewives shows are making me go nuts. I really need to find me one so I can explain what women really want to watch. (walks away into the woods with Matt rushing up on her heels)

Matt: (clutching her arm) W-where are we g-going?

Ranae: Matt, I am going to try my hand at a squatch call.

Matt: No! You'll do it all wrong. Female squatches do not holler.

Ranae: They don't?

Matt: Of course not! Everyone knows the female of the species is always a tattletale. They would give away the location and all the family secrets. It's up to the big strong men to keep the tribe in line.

Ranae: Okay, Moneymaker, now you've crossed the line. It's one thing to make a bunch of idiotic assumptions about a creature that has yet to be proven to exist, but it's another thing to use your own caveman thoughts about women to support those insane theories.

(Matt cowers)

Ranae: (takes a breath, fists clenched) Too-many-big-words-for-you?

Matt: (twig snaps nearby) Shh! (cocks his ear)

Ranae: (looks through the nightvision goggles) Oh look, it's Bobo!

Matt: That's not Bobo! That's just what Squatch wants you to think.

Ranae: Well, it would appear that squatch is wearing a T-shirt from a bar in South Carolina and a hat that says "Gone Squatchin".

Matt: Oh God. It's just what I thought!

Ranae: What?

Matt: Squatch has knocked Bobo over the head and stole his clothes. He's going to try to impersonate him. Don't let him know that we're on to him.

Bobo: Hey guys! (chomping on a bagel) Cliff is at base camp and we're ready to wrap it up. I realized you didn't have the walkies, so I thought I'd come and tell ya.

Matt: So, you're saying you want us to go with you? (shakes his head "no" at Ranae)

Bobo: That'd be the plan, man.

Ranae: Come on, Bobo. Let's go to base camp (takes his arm)

Bobo: (turns to Matt) Are you comin' boss man?

(Matt nods and cautiously follows)

Bobo: You know, Ranae, it felt like it would be squatchy tonight but we didn't see a single squatch. Did you two see a squatch?

Matt: Yes, we did, actually.

Bobo: (pivots and looks back) Really? How close did he get?

Matt: (nods) About as far away from me as you are. In fact, exactly that far. (pulls a banana from his pocket and waves it in the air) Would you like a snack, tall man?

Bobo: No thanks. I still got my bagel.

Matt: But your kind loves bananas. You are closer to ape than man.

Bobo: My kind? Hey, are you calling me an ape?

Ranae: (takes Bobo's arm and leads him down the trail) Don't ask. Do me a favor, will you? Give me your best Bigfoot call.

(Bobo stops and cups his hands, letting out a long loud howl)

Matt: Oh God! Run Ranae! He's calling on his clan! (takes off running into the hills)

Bobo: (shrugs) I had no idea he hated my family so much.

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